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I’ve stopped drinking alcohol so many times. If I was to count every day that I’ve woken up, swearing that today’s the day I stop for good, it would probably be hundreds, if not thousands of days.
And yet here I am again today, still drinking, still full of shame and remorse, and hungover.
I want alcohol out of my life, for good. I have grown to hate drinking - there’s little-to-no pleasure in it anymore - but I also don’t know how to be without it.
I’m truly stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can’t live with alcohol, and I can’t live without it.
I’m truly stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can’t live with alcohol, and I can’t live without it.
It feels like I’ve tried everything to stop drinking alcohol. I’ve joined a gym, taken up running, started a creative writing class and even went back to the church I attended as a child. None of it worked.
I left a partner who drank more than me, I changed jobs and moved house. My problem stayed with me.
I became a mother and managed to stay alcohol-free during the pregnancy. Three weeks after my baby was born, I was drinking again. I couldn’t stop.
Decades later, I’ve only gone backwards. My career is in tatters, my relationships have fractured and my health is poor. I’m broke. I’m unreliable and I hate myself. The only thing I am really consistent about is drinking., way too much, all the time.
It’s my secret, this problem, although I know some people must have noticed it. They might have guessed I drink too much, despite the great lengths I go to to conceal it. But no one really knows how mad I’ve become, how this substance has taken over my mind, body and soul.
I’m so scared to do it but I’m more scared about what will happen if I keep drinking.
The only thing left for me now is to tell someone. Maybe to ask for help?
The thought of doing that makes me feel ill and shakes me to my core. If I admit I can’t do this on my own, it means revealing what I’ve worked so hard to hide for so long. It also means I will have to stop drinking, and I don’t know how.
I keep seeing things about people getting sober though, so I think they are signs. I can’t stop thinking about this. Maybe it’s time to ask for help and really turn this ship around?
I feel like it’s the only thing left for me. I’m so scared to do it but I’m more scared about what will happen if I keep drinking. I’m not sure I will survive.
*The writer of the Recovery Diaries wrote this entry just before she reached out for help, over 8 years ago. She’s been sober ever since.
If you're worried about your drinking or that of someone you love, give Elaine a call on 027 573 7744 for a confidential chat.