Why understanding codependency matters in recovery

Codependency is it is about looking outside ourselves to feel okay. “We often say, it’s like me taking your temperature to see how I feel."

Codependency is a term that many people have heard but few fully understand. It is often misunderstood as weakness or neediness, when in reality it describes a learned way of coping in relationships that has become unbalanced.

At Ocean Hills, conversations about codependency frequently bring moments of realisation when they learn about it. People often arrive thinking this does not apply to them, only to realise that long-standing patterns of over-caring, control, self-sacrifice or emotional vigilance have shaped their relationships for years.

As Ocean Hills therapist Liz Webster explains, codependency is not about being broken – it is about looking outside ourselves to feel okay. “We often say, it’s like me taking your temperature to see how I feel. It’s about needing something external – a person, a relationship, even an outcome – to fill a void we may not even realise is there.”

Understanding codependency can be a turning point in recovery. It helps people see that sobriety alone does not automatically resolve relationship pain and that emotional wellbeing requires attention, boundaries and self care.

Codependency and addiction are closely linked

In many relationships, codependency develops as a way to manage fear, unpredictability or emotional pain.

Addiction is often described as a family disease because its impact extends far beyond the person using substances. Over time, families and partners adapt, compensate and reorganise themselves around the addiction. These adaptations can become deeply ingrained and are often not helpful.

“When there’s addiction in a family, everything that goes wrong often gets blamed on the alcoholic or addict,” Liz says. “When that person gets sober, the dynamic changes and suddenly, other people can feel very unsettled or angry.”

In many relationships, codependency develops as a way to manage fear, unpredictability or emotional pain. People may become hyper-aware of others’ moods, attempt to control outcomes or lose their sense of identity in the relationship. “If you’re okay, I’m okay. That becomes the rule,” Liz says.

This does not mean anyone is at fault. These patterns often develop early in life and are reinforced over time. What matters is recognising when they begin to cause harm.

Ocean Hills Clinical Manager Stephanie Van Waas notes that many Ocean Hills guests experience a powerful shift when learning about codependency. “People often leave the first session feeling emotionally exhausted but deeply seen,” she says. “The realisation is about not being weak, but rather knowing they’ve been surviving the best way they knew how.”

Boundaries, self care and finding balance again

Without boundaries, people often become caretakers at the expense of their own wellbeing.

A key feature of codependency is the loss of boundaries. Liz shares that during her own active addiction and early recovery, she did not believe she was allowed to have them. “I thought boundaries were selfish,” she says. “I didn’t know I could say no.”

Without boundaries, people often become caretakers at the expense of their own wellbeing. They may feel responsible for others’ emotions, avoid conflict at all costs or compromise themselves to keep the peace. Over time, this leads to resentment, anxiety and emotional exhaustion.

Recovery means learning a different way. Liz explains, “I realised I cannot serve from an empty cup. Looking after myself gives me more energy, not less.”

At Ocean Hills, work around codependency starts with the same foundations that support sobriety:

• regular meals and sleep

• daily routines

• mindfulness and grounding practices

• space to reflect rather than react

  
  

As clarity improves, people begin to notice when they freeze, over-explain or take responsibility for feelings that are not theirs. Liz often reminds guests that “no” is a complete sentence and  does not require justification, apology or over-explaining.

Balance is central. Healthy relationships involve care, connection and compromise. Codependency emerges when that balance is lost and self worth becomes dependent on someone else’s approval, mood or behaviour.

Recognising patterns and beginning to change them

Change does not require confrontation or blame. It starts with awareness, support and practising new responses.

Codependency often becomes visible when a person feels consistently unhappy in a relationship but cannot clearly explain why. Liz describes moments when someone reacts angrily and the other person freezes, not knowing what they have done wrong. “This reaction is not weakness; it is often the nervous system responding to old, unresolved experiences,” she explains.

When emotions are high, Liz encourages people to pause. “If you’re emotionally activated, there’s no point trying to resolve it in that moment. Take a breath. Step away. Come back when things are calmer.”

Change does not require confrontation or blame. It starts with awareness, support and practising new responses. For many people, that includes talking with trusted peers, counsellors, or recovery groups. 

Not everyone identifies with the concept of codependency but for those who do, the insight can be life-changing. “We’re not bad people,” Liz says. “We’re caretakers. We just ‘over-love’ and forget ourselves in the process.”

Like podcasts? What is Codependency? on the Ocean Hills *Addicted to Recovery podcast here.

If you or a loved one is struggling with alcohol, contact Ocean Hills founder Elaine on 027 574 7744. You can also check out our admissions page here.

*This award-winning podcast was made with the help of Radio Hawke's Bay.